The Consensus of Sex

Written by: Charles Himmelrich on November 5th, 2022

Back story: I was told to write a paper on "something we can all agree on" for an English class at University. I created the idea but Charles took the lead and ran with it... He wrote me a kick-ass paper that I genuinely hope to read in front of the entire world one day.

"As humans, we aspire to have emotions of security, freedom, connectivity, and confidence. We are trained to anthropologically generate connections. Human connection not only can be beneficial for us physically but it is clinically proven to reduce anxiety and depression. We are able to regulate our emotions more when we feel connected. It is just one of the rewards people seek out through intimacy. Beyond satisfaction or pleasure in the present moment, we satisfy biological needs. In the same way that humans need food and water, we need connection. Sexual drives, in whatever form one prefers, are built into our DNA- we are all here because of the drive to reproduce. However before I get ahead of myself, let us note the following- a craving so vibrant and beautiful that strings along with many thoughts in our heads every day is the connection that sex brings to our lives.

Yes, when I say sex, I really do mean the intimacy between two. Sex is a human strategy used to meet our psychological needs. Our whole psychological mind frame with emotions to the other sex (or same-sex) is designed to make us want to have sex and reproduce. It’s biological! Throughout our lives, we become deeply attached to one another. Starting off with a child and its parents, it teaches us the basics of affection. I am grateful enough to have been given the affection I received as I grew up. This positioned me to comfortably take love and emotion and project it onto others.

Pausing for a moment, one may think that this drive is a privilege, given to only those who receive love growing up. This is not the case; the need for connection is wired deeper in our minds than that. We don’t all chase the same type of relationship, connect with lovers or partners in the same way, or feel the same thing when with someone we care about. As mentioned above, this is because we all have different experiences. There is a proverb that my aunt used to tell me when, as a child, I asked her about why my mother and she were so different. She would say, “Nature loaded the gun, but nurture pulled the trigger.” This is to say that we all have similar drives and needs as humans but how we are raised and the experiences we have seriously impact who we are as a person. Within this proverb is an application to the discussion of how we seek intimacy. Because of these differences in experiences, peoples’ lives can look a lot different from each other. Despite these differences, we all chase the same consensus-building end result of human connection within intimacy.

With a rise in oxytocin and serotonin, we end up falling in love with the idea of love. Sex is a substantial grip humans account for in projecting ways of security, freedom, connectivity, and confidence.

There are two great similarities between the means through which we seek intimacy as humans. First, vulnerability is exceptionally rewarding when not met with malice. People have a biological need satisfied by sharing their minds, bodies, and souls with others. The latter similarity builds off of this- through these interactions our brains release chemicals meant to elevate our moods, making us happy. This is why intimacy is a consensus. We can all, in different ways, get similar mental and emotional benefits through chemical releases that come from sharing ourselves.

In the interest of providing an honest account of the consensus of sex, we need to acknowledge that everything isn’t always rosy. This connection that we have talked about, in whatever form of intimacy it takes in one’s life, isn’t always easy. We all carve our own paths in life. More often than not, they aren’t straight. Even further, our paths aren’t exclusively perpendicular and parallel to each other’s. Due to the unpredictable nature of fate, we often can end up deprived of this intimacy, left with unsatisfied expectations, or just plain dejection. Life isn’t always straightforward and our biology guides us along this curved path. In addition, sometimes we have interactions that we expect to make us feel valued and connected to someone else but actually leaves us drifting in a hypothetical and emotional wind. I mention this to make sure I have been clear; our consensus is not that all sex and intimacy is good.​

So, here’s our consensus; each of us whether single, married, gay, straight, Black, White, Asian, Mexican, or however one identifies themself, has the need to connect. It can be cuddling a close friend, but it can also be falling in love for just one night wearing tequila goggles, and chasing an unforgotten night. This is the beauty that lies within the consensus of sex. All of us need to feel valued, seen, and understood. In whatever way people prefer, everyone is chasing it."

We love you, Charles.

Xoxo,

Chelsey